When I was a lot younger, I wanted to be a vet. Then it was a basketball player, and it stayed that way for a while. Next was a soccer player, but that was soon replaced by, “I have no idea; hopefully successful.” The Dos Equis guy was in there too at some point, naturally.
Back then, I had a lot of things I ultimately wanted to be when I grew up, but I think that I’ve finally figured it out. For all 5 of you that have read the article where I mentioned all the dream jobs I’d love to have, I know this seems like some repeat content, but I think I’ve finally found the best job of all time – for me, anyway. Those were all occupations I’d fight a full-grown yak to have (I’m not sure if yaks are aggressive, so this could go either way). But for this… for this, I’m pretty sure I’d fight at least two of them, because this is what I need to do with my life. I have to be the host of Around the Horn.
Think of the perks of that job. Not only do you get to debate sports the entire time, but you get to argue without ever being wrong. Because as soon as someone starts to bring up an opposing viewpoint, *BANG*. Muted. You can’t lose.
You also get to score people’s arguments. I really can’t think of many things that could be much more entertaining than that. What if you could do this all the time? What if you could just walk up to people and just ask them about their thoughts on anything… and then judge them right before their very eyes?
“Ma’am, what do you think of gay marriage?” I’d ask innocently.
“Well, I think that marriage is a sacred institution that should be only be shared between a man and a wo… what was that?”
“You were being an idiot, so I took away some of your points.”
“You can do that?”
Yes. Yes I can. Or I could, if only I could just swipe Tony’s job when he gets too wrinkly to be the youthful, dynamic host. One day…
Imagine the fun you could have with people as the host of this show.
“You may think you’re making good points, sir, but your score seems to suggest otherwise,” I would quip. Then I’d laugh condescendingly as I deducted an arbitrary number of points.
Then he’d respond desperately, “James, you can’t just start taking away poi-“. I actually don’t know what else he’d say, because I’d have smacked the mute button by then. Chuckling at how easily my incredible powers could be abused, I would then switch to J.A. Adande, who would make the same exact arguments as the previous guy but would receive a lot of points anyway.
So that’s it. That’s the goal. At some point I’m going to be the host of that show. It has to happen. And by the way, I looked up yaks. Supposedly they’re super friendly toward humans.
This job is practically mine.