I can’t believe I didn’t realize this before. There were hints all along, and though I might have noticed one or two, I can’t believe I missed this incredibly conspicuous pattern. The 7 signs that LeBron James has clearly transferred legal custody of his soul to Satan. Seriously.
Oh, also, I’m actually a mild LeBron fan (though by no means a Heat fan). So nobody freak out.
1. The Heat
For obvious reasons, LeBron likely sold his soul a short time before the Decision. This means that he had no choice but to choose the team Satan stipulated that he join: The Heat. A team with fire in their logo and red and black as their colors. He literally and figuratively went as far south as he possibly could with that whole selection process.
Apparently, God’s nemesis isn’t into that whole “subtlety” thing.
2. A little too much pride
When Shaq went to Miami, he promised them a championship. Okay, you like to see a little confidence in your superstars. LeBron on the other hand promised… Well, he promised way more than one.
Overconfidence in one’s own abilities (according to all the firsthand accounts I could find, anyway) caused Lucifer’s downfall. That speech defined overconfidence.
3. Have you seen where he plays?
4. Have you seen his boss?
I don’t know about you, but when I think about people portrayed as devils in modern movies, I think of an older white male with slicked back hair with a serious face. This man usually wears a suit, and let’s give him a red tie for symbolism’s sake. He might even be Irish.
When you said bang to yourself, you should have said it like Mike Breen. If you didn’t, go back and do it again.
Pat Riley is eerily similar to this completely fair, totally relevant description of what I think Satan might look like should he be real and should Hollywood actually portray him correctly. Ipso facto, Pat Riley is very likely the Deceiver himself.
#5. This picture
Are we really to believe that LeBron James really just abandoned his whole I’m-going-to-symbolically-wear-Jordan’s-number-since-I’m-the-next-coming-thing just to pick a random number like 6? The King said it was because he wore the number for Team USA, but come on, this is America. It’s never cool to interact with other countries (except Canada occasionally, during hockey season), much less care about international competition (once every four years, maybe).
Make no mistake, LeBron wanted 666, but the league doesn’t allow triple digits on the backs of jerseys because it looks “crowded.” Plus, I think the league is saving that number for Metta World Peace anyway. Either way, 66 is too random, and 666 wasn’t available. Thus, LeBron had to pick 6.
#7 The unholy sacrifice
In a show of protest after the Decision, angry Cavs fans actually donated their jerseys to His Infernal Majesty. In a dark ceremony that spanned across much of the state, dismayed Ohio hoops fans threw their #23 jerseys on the ground, and the uniforms that didn’t spontaneously turn into snakes were set alight.
Did LeBron sell his soul before taking his talents to South Beach? Could Pat Riley really be the #1 antagonist of all time? Should I have really included a reference as obscure as Tartarus? I guess we’ll never really know. But if LeBron ever does get that coveted title and if, upon receiving the Larry O’Brien Trophy, #6 screams a primal roar and is dragged to the depths in front of Patrick Swayze by pre-CGI shadow demons, do me a favor and tell all your friends where you heard it first.